We All Have Bad Days, Even When Living the "Dream Life"

I’ve been vlogging everyday since December 1st, and more than halfway into the month, I can finally feel myself crashing. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. And while I like to be raw and real on camera, the raw and real me wants nothing to do with filming at the moment. I don’t feel like myself, and partly I think it’s because of multiple tiny but seemingly heavier details: spending my first Christmas away from home (even from Paris, it would be emotional, I know), not reaching my target numbers for 2018 — Youtube and Morena the Label included, not getting my finances together when I said I would, and just overall doubting myself and my plans.

I don’t usually doubt myself, but when I do, it hits me hard. I’ve been sleeping more than usual — passing out as early as 9pm and then waking up with nightmares. One night it was about my parents not being proud of me, even. I woke up feeling anxious because in my dream, they started questioning wtf I was doing in my life. I checked Whatsapp and they were still happy about their daughter though… so I guess that really was just all in my head. Second, I feel really sick and I’ve been having sporadic headaches for 2 days now. I went to the gym earlier but I was fine then. I felt great. But as soon as I started wrapping up my errands for the day, I felt my body crashing on me. I couldn’t finish the rice bowl I ordered today. I couldn’t eat the crunchywrap my roommate brought home for me. I deleted my Twitter app after reading discouraging Miss Universe tweets about Catriona’s Q&A. Social media doesn’t usually faze me, but MAN I could not take it. It was toxic.

I slept for 3-4 more hours until Janix came home from work. Now I’m typing this down because I can’t even be bothered to open my journal and write with a pen. I couldn’t finish watching my favorite youtubers’ vlogs, I can’t get myself to put my clothes away, and I can’t even put on fresh sheets on my bed. I’m sitting on a bare mattress as we speak, lips dry, stomach upset, massive headache, and absolutely lost.

I don’t know what I was trying to achieve when I opened my laptop and started typing this entry down. I guess I just needed to let it out. I needed the universe to hear that this day is a new low, and when I wake up tomorrow I would like to give another shot at making things work for myself. I want to try again tomorrow. But for now, I’m signing off, hoping that the sunrise will give me some new sense of hope and direction.

Hasta luego!


Watch my Vlogmas videos through this playlist. :)