We All Have Bad Days, Even When Living the "Dream Life"
I’ve been vlogging everyday since December 1st, and more than halfway into the month, I can finally feel myself crashing. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. And while I like to be raw and real on camera, the raw and real me wants nothing to do with filming at the moment. I don’t feel like myself, and partly I think it’s because of multiple tiny but seemingly heavier details: spending my first Christmas away from home (even from Paris, it would be emotional, I know), not reaching my target numbers for 2018 — Youtube and Morena the Label included, not getting my finances together when I said I would, and just overall doubting myself and my plans.
I don’t usually doubt myself, but when I do, it hits me hard. I’ve been sleeping more than usual — passing out as early as 9pm and then waking up with nightmares. One night it was about my parents not being proud of me, even. I woke up feeling anxious because in my dream, they started questioning wtf I was doing in my life. I checked Whatsapp and they were still happy about their daughter though… so I guess that really was just all in my head. Second, I feel really sick and I’ve been having sporadic headaches for 2 days now. I went to the gym earlier but I was fine then. I felt great. But as soon as I started wrapping up my errands for the day, I felt my body crashing on me. I couldn’t finish the rice bowl I ordered today. I couldn’t eat the crunchywrap my roommate brought home for me. I deleted my Twitter app after reading discouraging Miss Universe tweets about Catriona’s Q&A. Social media doesn’t usually faze me, but MAN I could not take it. It was toxic.
I slept for 3-4 more hours until Janix came home from work. Now I’m typing this down because I can’t even be bothered to open my journal and write with a pen. I couldn’t finish watching my favorite youtubers’ vlogs, I can’t get myself to put my clothes away, and I can’t even put on fresh sheets on my bed. I’m sitting on a bare mattress as we speak, lips dry, stomach upset, massive headache, and absolutely lost.
I don’t know what I was trying to achieve when I opened my laptop and started typing this entry down. I guess I just needed to let it out. I needed the universe to hear that this day is a new low, and when I wake up tomorrow I would like to give another shot at making things work for myself. I want to try again tomorrow. But for now, I’m signing off, hoping that the sunrise will give me some new sense of hope and direction.